They wear so many faces,
Show up in the strangest places
And grace us with their mercies in our time of need.
Oh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
Angels Among Us by Alabama
Earlier this week, while I was at the local water park, I had this song stuck in my head on repeat. Replace the word “Angels” with “Hot Mess Mommas” and you’ll see why…. Y’all I swear, I have never felt more at home and with my people than at the overpriced pee pool.
Let me tell you about the Hot Mess Mommas I encountered at the Water Park….
Hot Mess Momma #1: This momma, in her cute stripped one piece JCrew inspired bathing suit and blonde pony tail pulled through her ball cap, had an arm full of random stuff such as drinks and towels. (Because I need you to get the best visualization possible, I am going to point out that she was average build with a large chest.) Her cute little toddler, sporting a Puddle Jumper, was following behind like the perfect little baby duck he was….until he spotted the entrance to the lazy river. That is when he went rouge and darted as quick as he could into the water. He was fast. Momma was slow. She ended up breaking out into a full blown sprint to catch the little guy. By the time she catches him, he is IN the lazy river. Somehow she manged to scoop him up under her arm like a sack of potatoes in a puddle jumper and carry that wet, sobbing, wiggly worm along with the rest of her load back to their seats. It was pretty impressive, actually. A few minutes later, the process repeated. You’d think this time around she’d be faster since her arms were empty but NOPE she had to RUN to catch that sneaky little duck this time. I am sure she was wishing she was wearing a sports bra & tennis shoes instead of that cute swimsuit & flip flops because she did more cardio chasing kiddo on the pool deck than relaxing and floating in the lazy river.
Hot Mess Momma #2: When I first noticed this mom, I was sitting in my chair watching Q play with a new friend. This lady walked by me and actually caught my eye because I was having serious body envy. She was tall & thin. She walked across that pool deck in her basic 2 piece with such confidence. Her hair was pulled into the perfect designer grade messy pony tail with her large gold teardrop shaped earrings and Ray Bans completing her look. Her son, probably around 3, was following behind her. She was walking and he stopped RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. was getting ready to stand up to alert her to her stalled kiddo but before I could he pulled his seersucker trunks down and proceeded to pee in the drain. Skinny Mini Momma turns around and finds her son, pants down, peeing in the drain with me standing there laughing. I bet she apologized to me 10 times while she struggled to get his wet suit back up.
Hot Mess Momma #3: I was sitting in my chair, admittedly scrolling through Insta since Q had made a new friend and I was relieved from my playmate duties for a few minutes, when I heard this grade A meltdown starting. “But mommmmmmm, she picked last timeeeeee. I want to swimmmmmm.” I look over to see this mom with 2 girls, who appear to be about 5 & 7. My first thought was “Hey mom, we are at the water park IN BESSEMER ALABAMA” because straight up I was jealous of how stunning she looked. She had on big designer glasses, big ol hoop earrings, full face of make up, the neatest bun on the top of her head, while wearing an all black off the shoulder maxi dress. She was calm and cool while the 5 year old was getting ready to blow. The 7 old is stomping her feet saying “I want to ride the rides. You said we could ride the rides again.” Water Park Barbie never missed a beat. She stood up and said “We will go ride the rides one more time. Grab lunch. After we eat, we will come back to swim more.” Little 5 year old wasn’t having it and sat her self down on the hot concrete in that pout Indian pose kids are known for. Water Park Barbie literally didn’t check up. She got her large Victoria Secret beach bag up on her shoulder and grabbed up 5 year old so effortlessly I literally wanted to ask her how much practice she had to do to get that good at the “mom grab”. Momma and 7 year old walk away. 5 year old does that drag walk thing behind them.
Hot Mess Momma #4: This momma. Y’all. She appeared to be in her later 30s (I am pointing out her age because it needs to be known that is she is GROWN) wearing one of those mom swim dress things. She looked like a mom’s mom. Just a regular ol mom trying to do something fun with her boys. She was there with her two sons (Probably 9 & 12) and her mom (who they were calling Gran-has no relevance to the story but I thought it was cute) . We’re all floating down the lazy river. Gran & momma are doing that half walk/half lean on a tube thing that you do when you want to get in the tube but know that you are too uncoordinated to do so, the 12 year old is laying on his tube, & 9 year old is walking beside them. Q & I are in our tubes behind them. I am chatting it up with Q when I hear the 9 year old say “MOMMMMMMM. I gotta go PEE.” The mom does that embarrassed look around thing to see who heard and makes eye contact with me. She looks back at her son tells him to hold on and when they got back around they’d get out and go to the bathroom. We had just floated past the mid-way in/out spot and at this point you are stuck in the lazy river until you get to the other loading area. A few seconds go by where he is doing this jumpy walk, junk grab dance move when the mom abandons her float and gets close to him while nudging him towards the wall. She does that embarrassed look around again and I purposely miss her gaze because even though I had a feeling of what was about to be said, I wanted to hear it with my own ears. That is when this grown a$$ woman told this old enough to know better kid to PEE IN THE POOL. I grabbed Qs float and hurried past them while she got behind her son and (I assume) he peed.
Time for a mini side rant: Listen, I know the whole “the chemicals kill it” excuse. I know the “you know those swim diapers don’t catch pee” excuse. I know the “You’ve noticed none of the kids are going pee” excuse. Yeah I get all that. I know that I paid $60 to go to the largest pee spot in town. I try not to think about that and trust that chemicals are doing their jobs. BUT a grown adult shouldn’t ENCOURAGE a kid to pee in the pool. If they do it on their own, ugh gross but fine. But when there are listening ears floating around you, KEEP UP THE “WE’RE ALMOST TO THE BATHROOM” ACT. The good pool go-ers who actually get out and go pee are few and far between and we just lost another one thanks to this momma’s encouragement.
All in all, the trip to the water park was a fun day with Q. He had a great time and I realized no matter how perfect your body is, or how cute your swim suit is, you still have the ability to be a Hot Mess Momma. I think when people hear “Hot Mess Momma” they think of a disheveled woman, in leggings and a tshirt, sucking down yesterdays coffee while yelling at her kids to share the remote. In reality, we come in all shapes, sizes, and appearances. Don’t let those perfect looking mommas fool you, they got Hot Mess in them too.