Steel

Dear Quin,

You just finished a meltdown. You said a few choices words and broke something I can never replace. By the time it was all over, we were both tired, defeated, and in tears. I never thought this would be parenting. I thought I would issue a warning and you’d back down with an “I’m sorry”. Worst case, you’d test me, and a “time out” would ensue. Your needs cause me to dig deep and find parenting techniques that are so far from the norm.

Your will reminds me of steel. Never bending, never wavering, & always strong. I feel like I am always digging deep to find a way to parent you. I dig deep to find my own strength, knowing that if I don’t back down, a meltdown may come. I dig deep to find the patience I need to keep my cool. I dig deep to find a “let it go” attitude as you embarrass me in Target for the 16 hundredth time. I dig deep to find energy that I need to go on another day.

Most days, I feel like the worst mom in the world. Most days, I feel like I have failed you. Most days, I feel like the enemy.

You are my son. I am your mom. Through the hard. Through the easy. Through the highs. Through the lows. Through the metldowns. Through the hugs. Through the tears. Through the smiles. Through the ugly words. Through the “I love yous”. Through the dark. Through the light. Through the hurt. Through the forgiveness. Through the storms. Through the sun. Through it all, we will forever be a team.

When the meltdown is over, we end with some hugs, “I love yous”, and talks of learned lessons. Today, like everyday, I pray the light bulb went off and things will change. However, if this one isn’t the “aha moment” I have been praying for, then I’ll hold out hope for the next one.

Your will of steel has inspired me to find my own steel. I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop digging deep. I refuse to let your past dictate your future. I refuse to let you fight this fight alone.  I refuse to stop being your biggest cheerleader.

I know that God has a purpose for you. Steel is the foundation of all great things. After all, the Eiffel Tower wasn’t built out of wood. I know that your will of steel will be used for something far better than I can even imagine. I know that you are destined for greatness. I know that you and I will forever be a team. I know that I will always love you.

-Momma