Here Goes Nothing….

Alright…here goes nothing…its now or never for me. I have had an internal struggle with whether or not I should share this. One side of me thinks I should keep this to myself, avoid the questions, avoid the stares, avoid giving people something to talk about, avoid the shame & embarrassment. The other side of me thinks that there is another mom out there facing a similar issue and needs to know she isn’t alone. So, if you are that mom that needs this today, this is for you! Here goes nothing….

QMonster was in the hospital for 11 days. No, he wasn’t hurt or sick. No, he didn’t have surgery. Yes, he is safe. Yes, he is better. Yes, he is home.

When your child has the “alphabet soup” of diagnosis, you get to a place of desperation. You reach a level of willingness- willingness to try anything to make your baby “better”. Earlier this year, I faced a reality that I had been denying for a while. I finally came to terms with the fact that QMonster needed more than love, therapy, and environment changes. I put own personal beliefs aside and went forward with the plan to medicate my child. You see, it wasn’t an easy decision. I had always said that kids are kids and should be treated as such and that there was no need to medicate a small child. All that changed, when I realized that sometimes small children, especially those with trauma pasts or special needs, do need more and if that more is medication, then that is what it takes to help them to get to a place of pure happiness.

Since making the decision to try medication for QMonster, we have played a game that I refer to as “medicine roulette” aka we’ve tried a lot of different things. Some medications we were able to tell right off the bat they wouldn’t work. Others we had to try for a few months before deciding if they were a yes or a no. (Don’t worry, we have done all of this under close watch from a trusted doctor whom we see at the bare minimum of once a month along with blood work and medical screenings.)

Somewhere around the beginning of June, we decided to go a different route and try a medication called Abilify. The target dose for a child of Q’s size is around 5mg. We started at 1mg and over the course of 3 months, after little improvement, we upped the dose until we hit the target of 5mg. Once we hit 5mg (In early Sept.) and we still didn’t see the behavior changes we were hoping for, we decided it was time to change directions. We began a 4 week long process of weaning him off little by little. Towards the end of the weaning off process, we quickly discovered that Q was experiencing withdraws from the medication.

Once we recognized what was happening, we acted fast. Thus, the hospital stay. During the length of his stay, Q’s team (drs, nurses, therapists, us, etc.) was able to get the medication out of Q’s system. We gave his body a few days to go without the medication, before coming to the conclusion that his body may actually need some sort of medication. His doctor was able to find a different medication that he believes will be a better fit for QMonster. After starting him on this new medication, QMonster then spent a few more days in the hospital for evaluations to make sure this new medication was doing its job and not going to cause further issues.

The hospital stay was hard on everyone. Though JHub and QMonster both handled it like champions and were way more rock solid than I could ever be.  I went into a form of depression, I think. I was going through the motions of life but not really feeling anything. I was and still am, actually, sad, defeated, scared, nervous, and for whatever reason embarrassed.

The good news is that QMonster is HOME. He is healthy. He is happy. He is back at school. He is doing well. We are all going to need a little bit of grace as we get back into our routines. Specifically, in the sleep department as QMonster is regularly waking up around 3am after not going to bed until closer to 10pm and I didn’t sleep but for a 4-5 hours, if at all, while he was there. QMonster is still on medication, though its a very very very small dose and we are hopeful that over the course of next summer we can work to wean him off and give his body plenty of time to adjust.

So, that is what spurred all of this depth that has come forth recently here at Hot Mess Momma Club. I hope that gives you a little more insight as to the recent vagueness with my posts on The Book, The Gram, and HMMC. This experience has given me SO much content to blog about so stay tuned…more is on the way…

If you, or someone you know, is parenting a child with special needs and is looking for a listening ear, a punching bag, a shoulder to cry on, whatever, please reach out to me. I am no professional expert in this area but I am a real mom living this real life and am happy to talk, cry, vent, and laugh with you. 

If you have opinions on my parenting choices, want to ask questions just to be a nosy Nelly, or are looking to judge me or my family, please take this as your cue to leave. Momma ain’t got time for that!